Last Day of Finals Tomorrow

   I made it through my first say of finals today relatively unscathed, but tomorrow I doubt that I will be as lucky. In the morning I have my Interpreting Literature final. I haven't gotten above a C+ on any paper in his class because he grades us like grad students. Also the major essay that we have to revise is on the one book that  I didn't finish. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that there is no plausible way for me to pass this final. I am just going to show up tomorrow at 11:45 and accept my fate.
   My last final is my math final. In theory this could be really easy because my professor is kind of lazy. However, the majority of what I have to know has to be memorized. I can't memorize to save my life. I have to memorize the difference and functional equation for like 5 different patterns. Fml. But you know what? Once that is done life is going to be sosososososososososososososososososososo good. Because I will be at home for a month and get to spend time with some amazing people and it will be glorious.
T- 51 hours until Operation Home for the Holidays

Sorry guys...I just have to get this off my chest...

Ok, so this is a draft of a speech or letter that I am going to give to someone very special. I know according to facebook we broke up, but we have both decided to give it one more shot. And this time I want to do it right.
      Zach-
               I love you. I never say it enough because I am afraid to mean it, but I do. You mean the world to me and I am sorry that it has taken me this long to realize it. Neither one of us is perfect and that is ok as long as we accept that about each other. We have both said some horrible things to each other, none of which we meant and that we need to let go of. I am sorry for my expectations. I am sorry for expecting you to live up to what Cam was. I'm sorry for expecting you pay for the mistakes that my family made. I'm sorry for taking out my anger and hurt caused by people like Andrew on you. I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I was too weak or scared to do. I am sorry my part in what we have become. I really do love you and I look forward to marrying you. With your help we can make it. I am ready to let go of all of my baggage and treat you the way you deserve. I love you.

Where Did The Semester Go?

As it turns out, time doesn't stop while you bitch and complain. Lucky me. On the bright side I only have ten days until I get to go home for a whole month!!!! On the down side I only have ten days to finish all of my work and study for finals. I could handle the finals just fine, but on top of that I have to write a 3 page final statement for college writing, finish my powerpoint for italian, finish reading my book for lit, and then write the 5 page analysis for it AND complete a ten minute documentary for my sociology class. But the pay off is going to be amazing!! I guess I should stop whining and get to work :)

Wanted- New Family (Bring on the Teen Angst)

   Something has gone catastrophically wrong when you cannot physically stand your family. I am now at that point. But perhaps that is giving them too much credit. Surely they can't be responsible for my involuntary bulimia, immense hair loss, drastically increased insomnia, and being in a constant state of panic. They are not the sole cause of my mental and physical breakdown, they are just a big big part of it. Uncharacteristically, my mother is trying her best. She is not really telling what she thinks either way but is telling me to be prepared and toughen up for the shit storm that I will be receiving from the rest of my family. Speaking of which, my father was the first one to jump on this bandwagon. Since day one he was against me coming to American University. We couldn't afford it, it was out of my league and so on and so on. Being the rebel that I am, I was hell bent on proving him wrong. I couldn't. I even told him this...Sort of. Our phone call consisted of him telling me why I was wrong for wanting to transfer to Framingham State University. My (possibly over dramatic) response was "jesus christ dad, I am telling you that you were right all along. What more do you want from me?" One of his main points was that my priorities are messed up. My top priority is to get an affordable education and not become a drug dealer. I think they are pretty well organized. Also, he said that kids at FSU are being forced to stay at hotels because they don't have dorm rooms. I don't know if this is true or not but the fact that he is trying to scare me into agreeing with him.
         The only family I have in DC thinks I am  making a mistake too. First is my uncle Joe. 1) He graduated college a good thirty years ago. 2) He is a professional blogger. Enough said.The other person is my cousin Jimmy. He and I have come from two different families and this is something I recognized from a very young age. To put it nicely, Jimmy has grown up with a silver spoon in his mouth. His father and my mother, though siblings, are extremely different. His father is an extremely successful entrepreneur and businessman and republican. To be frank, he is a republican party's wet dream. This of course was all transferred to Jimmy, who was an undergraduate at Boston College, is now getting a masters degree at Georgetown and has a job with Wells Fargo in the spring when he graduates. Oh and my favorite conversation I had with him a few days ago surrounded the Occupy Wall Street movement. According to Jimbo over here, the american people deserve to be in this situation because they should have been educated enough to understand what they were signing x years ago. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. I had a total Jon Stewart moment. So hopefully now it is clear for you to see how he can't understand where I am coming from.
      I guess I have run out of steam as far as this rant. My application is in, test scores paid for, and transcript is sent. There is nothing they can do about it. No matter what I do I will end up broke or broken.

My Roommate is a Witch

    I don't mean this is in the offensive sense. I am literally saying my roommate has magic powers. She gets everything she wants!!This has happened on numerous occasions. At first she was just a self-proclaimed daddy's girl but this is so much more than that. If there is a class she does not want to have, within the next two hours her professor will send an email cancelling for the day. When it was one of our friend's birthday Julia wanted us all to go out to dinner. Kristina was really tired and didn't really want to go but I made her. She complained the entire train ride there. We were almost there and Julia realized that she had left her phone back at the Tenleytown metro stop. We all rushed back as fast as possible. Unfortunately it was not there. After that Julia just wanted to go home. Kristina was ecstatic that she had gotten her way....and she wasn't exactly tactful about it. But the real kicker happened last night. She had told this guy a week ago that she would go out with him last night. Well, all day she complained and complained and kept wanting to cancel. I told her she couldn't cancel on him a few hours before. TEN MINUTES before they are supposed to leave, her phone rings. His wallet was stolen and the police found it so he had to claim it...and of course reschedule. But here is the best part- she told him she wasn't feeling that great and they should try again next weekend. She then decides to go out anyway. She sees him on the shuttle bus and he offers to go out after and she said she was running to CVS for her cold. I think my lying abilities have rubbed off on her and her fucking impeccable luck and she is unstoppable. I hate her.

$53,000 and this is what I get

Dear American University,
     I have a few bones to pick with you, in fact, it resembles the skeleton of a dwarf. I can wholeheartedly promise you that my roommate and I do have a master plan in the works to steal everyone's mail and make money from the possible cash inside. Please remember that I am paying $50,000 just to breathe this air so do not be fooled into thinking we could actually turn a profit. I am sorry for not returning the letter, and I am very sorry for losing it. But please keep in mind that there are kids starving in Africa, monks burning in Tibet and soldiers dying in Iraq. This is not the end of the world. Not even close. I would also like to thank you for the thrilling meeting that I had today with my academic advisor. Again, I am paying this woman to...oh I don't know...academically advise me. Not to have me wait twenty minutes past my appointment time (because it is not like I have class or studying or a social life or anything) look at my file for a good milisecond and basically tell me that I am fucked. I will remember that you did not do your job and do what you could to keep me at the university.                                                                                             So thank you American University for making leaving your ass a little bit easier.

What A Week

       After two months of being here, college has finally hit me. And it is not just a friendly punch in the arm. No, this was a Mohammed Ali on steroids, down for the count, lights out, you're not going to remember your name when you wake up sucker punch. A lot of shit happened, good, bad and downright FML-worthy. I'll try to look on the bright side first.Well...this is a lot harder than I thought....something good must have happened....Maybe it will come to me later. As for the bad...there was plenty of it. I fought with 3 people that mean a lot to me. While most of the problems have been resolved, I am still stressed out by them. So to
LB- I'm sorry, we both acted immaturely. Let's put this behind us.
ME- Again, I'm sorry. I haven't known you that long so it is amazing what a great friend you are. I won't forget that ever again. Thanks for being one of the few reliable men in my life
And last but not least ZB- I am not sorry. I will not apologize to you. You are acting like a fucking idiot. You are finally getting somewhere in life but you can't help but to screw yourself over. But you are not taking me down with you. You know I can't leave now, you bastard.
Not to mention I hit a new low in the form of procrastination this week. I started to 10 page papers the night before they were both due. I need to stop slacking and letting my personal life interfere with my academics. Gah!!!! I honestly have never felt so stupid as being here. At the same time though I love it. I don't want to leave. But I do.
I need sleep....now.....Good night y'all

Girl Talk Gone Wrong

      Tonight I was helping  one of my friends study for our Italian class tomorrow. Unfortunately, one of the main topics for one of the essays that we have to write. Because Laura has the attention span of a sparrow, this prompted her to talk about our boyfriends.
      "So, Shanley, do you have a boyfriend?" She had the smirk of a twelve year old splattered across her face.
      "No. I mean yes. I guess. Yeah." I sounded brain dead. She asked me about my boyfriend not quantum physics for Christ's  sake.
      "Oohh. What is his name?" she asked.
     "Zach. Do you understand the difference between the presente and passato tenses?" I asked hoping to change the subject.
     "What does he look like? What is he like?" Clearly she was not giving this up easily. In my lengthy experience with people, I have learned one thing that is always true. When people are vigorously asking you questions about your personal life it is usually because they want you to ask them about theirs. In doing so, they usually drop the subject of you.
      "How about you? Do you have a boyfriend?"
     "Yeah! His name is Grant. We've been going out for a month. We both do drama, that is how we met. It is        actually a funny story....." And she went on and on and on for god knows how long. I didn't really care though, just as long as I didn't have to talk about my dysfunctional relationship.
     "Does Zach ever do stuff like that?" Laura asked, the joyous anticipation in her eyes almost made me puke.
     "I'm sorry, do what?" She didn't seem to mind that I was obviously not paying attention.
    "You know, just make you feel good? Like you can do anything? Grant is just...gah! He is amazing. Does Zach make you feel invincible?" I just stared at her for maybe half a second and then it happened. I started laughing. Not a giggle, certainly not a chuckle, but a full out, feel it in the pit of your stomach
     "Zach? No. He is a guy I have devoted over two years of my life to and the very thought of him makes my skin crawl." I burst into shrieks yet again. This went on for a little longer than Laura probably appreciated.
     "But you've stayed with him...Don't you love him?" She asked, probably hoping for an affirmation that 'true love' does exists. i had no trouble bursting her bubble.
     "Love him? No. Hate him? Absolutely. Fear him? Without question. Let's just say that staying hasn't always been my own choice," Then the laughter was replaced with crying, "Sorry, I don't know why I am crying right now.It is so stupid." Laura's face transitioned from concern to confusion.
    "Shanley...you aren't crying..." Feeling extremely stupid and slightly insane i touched my face. My eyes weren' wet..at all. That is so bizarre. My chest was tight and I couldn't breathe. This is what I had always equated to crying. In fact, looking back on my life, I haven't actually cried in about four years, just had my bizarre hiccup episodes. After that we completely dropped the subject.
    "So can you teach me how to conjugate -are verbs?" Laura asked. Tonight Laura learned a little bit of Italian and I learned that I can't cry anymore.

A Minor Distraction

        Today has been the laziest day I've had in a while. Unfortunately, I probably should have been the most productive today. Not only was my only class of the day cancelled but I have two papers due by Friday and I promised my sister that I would edit her English paper. But instead of getting all of that done early on in my day, I slept until 2 pm and I have yet to complete any of those tasks.
       Instead I am going to hash out my transfer problems. If I am to stay at American University until the end of the year: pros- no awkward break up with my roommate, just fly home for Christmas break, stay in DC. cons- spending $50,000 on an overpriced education, I don't really like the people here, I miss everyone back home terribly
      If I transfer to FSU: pros- I will be with my friends, the education is much cheaper, they have degrees in fields that I may want to join, I will be close to home cons- my family will see me as a quitter, it may be a rash decision, am I taking away opportunities that I would have had at AU, FSU is a step down,  my parents will have to take time off to drive all of my stuff from DC to Boston
      I really don't know what I am going to do. Right now it is like 60% transfer, 40% stay.

Tattoo (Part II)

   I sprang out of bed this morning bright and early at 2 pm. it was the day the day I have been waiting three weeks for. I could finally get my tattoo fixed. Yay! Fast forward to this very moment that I am typing this, on the verge of tears, with an identical tattoo on my wrist. I definitely couldn't make this shit up.
         I waltzed in to the tattoo parlor (a different one than last time). I walked up to the counter to an extremely handsome tattooed and pierced man. I would get tattooed to see him alone. After some casual flirting (mostly in my head) I showed him my tattoo. His exact words: "Holy shit. Please don't tell me you paid for that?" My heart stopped. He went to get one of the tattoo artists. After staring at my arm for what seemed like an hour, he finally broke the news to me. Turns out the reason that my tattoo is fading so quickly is because the person who tattooed me didn't go deep enough into my skin. Ergo, that is why it didn't really hurt. And I thought I was tough. Also, my tattoo is smaller than anything he would have recommended. That means that as I age and my skin stretches the letters will eventually bleed together. He said my best option is to have it removed and start from scratch. Fantastic. He was really apologetic about the whole thing. He said that he would still do it if I wanted but that he didn't recommend it. Well that settles that. He said on the bright side because my tattoo was so botched it should only take 2 or 3 treatments to get rid of it (at $150 a session mind you). Instead of adding to my tattoo I am now getting the whole thing erased. However, I will not mind going back two or three times to flirt with...I mean....innocently talk with the gorgeous receptionist. 

Therapy in Blog Form

Dear You,
       It wasn't supposed to be like this. We weren't supposed to be like this. I never believed in love but I had wanted you to prove me wrong. It is pretty bittersweet to be right. I don't want you anymore but you won't let me go. You tell me I am not a stunner. Is it because of my scars? You better fucking remember who gave them to me. I'm not beautiful but neither are you. There is a darkness to you now. Maybe it was always there and I've only recently started to see. Do you feel like a man?  I love you so much I cry. I hate you so much I shake. I hate you for what you did to me. Of course I love, I probably always will. But you destroyed me. You showed me that people aren't worth it, to love them. They make you feel beautiful and special and then they screw you over. They will make you feel like they don't give a fuck about you and that you are worthless. You destroyed my vision of love. Fuck you. You ruined me. My years of laughing and young love are over. I'm done. And as much as I hate you, I hate me too. For always making excuses for you. For letting you treat me like this. But I can't leave. You've made me too afraid to and I've let myself be intimidated. Maybe one day I'll knock you on your ass and walk away. Maybe one day I'll stop being so goddamn afraid. So, even though we are together I am dead on the inside. Just now that you shot the bullet that killed me. How's that for true love you bastard?
                                                             Sincerely- Me.

My Life Has A Direction...And Is Gaining Velocity

I have finally, after 18 years of life, have decided what my sole purpose is. I know, I know. I said the same thing when I was six when I wanted to become a mermaid, or all of middle school when I thought I was going to be an actress. But this time it might actually work out. My goal in life is to be Jon Stewart. If you don't know who he is be thankful that I cannot slap you through this computer. Go ahead...go Google him..I'll wait....Ready? Now, obviously I cannot actually BECOME Jon Stewart, but once he becomes to old to do the amazing job we have all come to expect (which will be a horrific day indeed) I will gladly take his place. You may still be thinking that this will never happen. Possibly. But to ensure that this could be a possibility one day, I have decided my life long goal will be to become a writer for The Daily Show. Sounds simple and realistic enough, right? Wrong. First I have to become a member of the Writers Guild Association, meaning- I have to be employed as a writer over the span of three years AND THEN I have to pay them $2,500 for a membership. After that (or before or during) I have to get an internship with The Daily Show, assuming any are available. I've come to find that they very rarely are. I also need to make some massive connections with some head honchos at Comedy Central, and if you've known me for more than four minutes, you know people are not my strong suit. During my internship I can offer jokes for the show and IF they are chosen consistently AND the public responds to them favorably, I MAY get hired. Should I be concerned that this is the most plausible career path I've ever had?

Tattoo (Part I)

     The fact that there will be a Part II should indicate where this is going. I have wanted a tattoo for a very long time. This was not a rash decision, like so many usually are, but do not think for a minute that things ended well. Uh-huh. There is a reason that the name of this blog is "I couldn't make this shit up." My tattoo was a quote from The Divine Comedy by Dante Alighieri. See if you can spot the 2 differences between the actual quote and what is permanently etched into my arm-
Original- Fatti non foste a viver come bruti, ma per seguir virtute e canoscenza
Tattoo- Fatti non foste come bruti, ma per seguir virtute e canoscanza
Yeah.............Luckily these things are somewhat easy to fix....or at least that is what I am going to tell myself. Of course it would not be perfect the first time.....it's only a tattoo.........FML. I can get it fixed up in 4 weeks after the original tattoo heals.....great.....On the bright side, I may have a dog walking job with PUPPIES!!!!!

First Blog

           I bought a plane ticket today. Not to Italy or Greece or any of the amazing places I always told myself that I would one day escape to. No, against every ironic fiber in my body I was going back. I had lasted all of 2 months in Washington DC, the place that was supposed to change my life. Now, I am heading back north to Melrose Mass, with my tail between my legs. Sure, it will be great to see my friends and catch up after so long. But is it worth it to have to endure the family dinner, complete with a steaming dish of disappointment sitting next to cold and lumpy potatoes? Maybe not. No one ever tells you what happens when your gut feeling is wrong. When what you had convinced everyone around you, along with yourself, that this is exactly what you wanted turns out to be everything you never needed. There is no point in beating myself up about it now. From this point on I just have to face forward and go back.