Girl Talk Gone Wrong

      Tonight I was helping  one of my friends study for our Italian class tomorrow. Unfortunately, one of the main topics for one of the essays that we have to write. Because Laura has the attention span of a sparrow, this prompted her to talk about our boyfriends.
      "So, Shanley, do you have a boyfriend?" She had the smirk of a twelve year old splattered across her face.
      "No. I mean yes. I guess. Yeah." I sounded brain dead. She asked me about my boyfriend not quantum physics for Christ's  sake.
      "Oohh. What is his name?" she asked.
     "Zach. Do you understand the difference between the presente and passato tenses?" I asked hoping to change the subject.
     "What does he look like? What is he like?" Clearly she was not giving this up easily. In my lengthy experience with people, I have learned one thing that is always true. When people are vigorously asking you questions about your personal life it is usually because they want you to ask them about theirs. In doing so, they usually drop the subject of you.
      "How about you? Do you have a boyfriend?"
     "Yeah! His name is Grant. We've been going out for a month. We both do drama, that is how we met. It is        actually a funny story....." And she went on and on and on for god knows how long. I didn't really care though, just as long as I didn't have to talk about my dysfunctional relationship.
     "Does Zach ever do stuff like that?" Laura asked, the joyous anticipation in her eyes almost made me puke.
     "I'm sorry, do what?" She didn't seem to mind that I was obviously not paying attention.
    "You know, just make you feel good? Like you can do anything? Grant is just...gah! He is amazing. Does Zach make you feel invincible?" I just stared at her for maybe half a second and then it happened. I started laughing. Not a giggle, certainly not a chuckle, but a full out, feel it in the pit of your stomach
     "Zach? No. He is a guy I have devoted over two years of my life to and the very thought of him makes my skin crawl." I burst into shrieks yet again. This went on for a little longer than Laura probably appreciated.
     "But you've stayed with him...Don't you love him?" She asked, probably hoping for an affirmation that 'true love' does exists. i had no trouble bursting her bubble.
     "Love him? No. Hate him? Absolutely. Fear him? Without question. Let's just say that staying hasn't always been my own choice," Then the laughter was replaced with crying, "Sorry, I don't know why I am crying right now.It is so stupid." Laura's face transitioned from concern to confusion.
    "Shanley...you aren't crying..." Feeling extremely stupid and slightly insane i touched my face. My eyes weren' wet..at all. That is so bizarre. My chest was tight and I couldn't breathe. This is what I had always equated to crying. In fact, looking back on my life, I haven't actually cried in about four years, just had my bizarre hiccup episodes. After that we completely dropped the subject.
    "So can you teach me how to conjugate -are verbs?" Laura asked. Tonight Laura learned a little bit of Italian and I learned that I can't cry anymore.

A Minor Distraction

        Today has been the laziest day I've had in a while. Unfortunately, I probably should have been the most productive today. Not only was my only class of the day cancelled but I have two papers due by Friday and I promised my sister that I would edit her English paper. But instead of getting all of that done early on in my day, I slept until 2 pm and I have yet to complete any of those tasks.
       Instead I am going to hash out my transfer problems. If I am to stay at American University until the end of the year: pros- no awkward break up with my roommate, just fly home for Christmas break, stay in DC. cons- spending $50,000 on an overpriced education, I don't really like the people here, I miss everyone back home terribly
      If I transfer to FSU: pros- I will be with my friends, the education is much cheaper, they have degrees in fields that I may want to join, I will be close to home cons- my family will see me as a quitter, it may be a rash decision, am I taking away opportunities that I would have had at AU, FSU is a step down,  my parents will have to take time off to drive all of my stuff from DC to Boston
      I really don't know what I am going to do. Right now it is like 60% transfer, 40% stay.

Tattoo (Part II)

   I sprang out of bed this morning bright and early at 2 pm. it was the day the day I have been waiting three weeks for. I could finally get my tattoo fixed. Yay! Fast forward to this very moment that I am typing this, on the verge of tears, with an identical tattoo on my wrist. I definitely couldn't make this shit up.
         I waltzed in to the tattoo parlor (a different one than last time). I walked up to the counter to an extremely handsome tattooed and pierced man. I would get tattooed to see him alone. After some casual flirting (mostly in my head) I showed him my tattoo. His exact words: "Holy shit. Please don't tell me you paid for that?" My heart stopped. He went to get one of the tattoo artists. After staring at my arm for what seemed like an hour, he finally broke the news to me. Turns out the reason that my tattoo is fading so quickly is because the person who tattooed me didn't go deep enough into my skin. Ergo, that is why it didn't really hurt. And I thought I was tough. Also, my tattoo is smaller than anything he would have recommended. That means that as I age and my skin stretches the letters will eventually bleed together. He said my best option is to have it removed and start from scratch. Fantastic. He was really apologetic about the whole thing. He said that he would still do it if I wanted but that he didn't recommend it. Well that settles that. He said on the bright side because my tattoo was so botched it should only take 2 or 3 treatments to get rid of it (at $150 a session mind you). Instead of adding to my tattoo I am now getting the whole thing erased. However, I will not mind going back two or three times to flirt with...I mean....innocently talk with the gorgeous receptionist. 

Therapy in Blog Form

Dear You,
       It wasn't supposed to be like this. We weren't supposed to be like this. I never believed in love but I had wanted you to prove me wrong. It is pretty bittersweet to be right. I don't want you anymore but you won't let me go. You tell me I am not a stunner. Is it because of my scars? You better fucking remember who gave them to me. I'm not beautiful but neither are you. There is a darkness to you now. Maybe it was always there and I've only recently started to see. Do you feel like a man?  I love you so much I cry. I hate you so much I shake. I hate you for what you did to me. Of course I love, I probably always will. But you destroyed me. You showed me that people aren't worth it, to love them. They make you feel beautiful and special and then they screw you over. They will make you feel like they don't give a fuck about you and that you are worthless. You destroyed my vision of love. Fuck you. You ruined me. My years of laughing and young love are over. I'm done. And as much as I hate you, I hate me too. For always making excuses for you. For letting you treat me like this. But I can't leave. You've made me too afraid to and I've let myself be intimidated. Maybe one day I'll knock you on your ass and walk away. Maybe one day I'll stop being so goddamn afraid. So, even though we are together I am dead on the inside. Just now that you shot the bullet that killed me. How's that for true love you bastard?
                                                             Sincerely- Me.

My Life Has A Direction...And Is Gaining Velocity

I have finally, after 18 years of life, have decided what my sole purpose is. I know, I know. I said the same thing when I was six when I wanted to become a mermaid, or all of middle school when I thought I was going to be an actress. But this time it might actually work out. My goal in life is to be Jon Stewart. If you don't know who he is be thankful that I cannot slap you through this computer. Go ahead...go Google him..I'll wait....Ready? Now, obviously I cannot actually BECOME Jon Stewart, but once he becomes to old to do the amazing job we have all come to expect (which will be a horrific day indeed) I will gladly take his place. You may still be thinking that this will never happen. Possibly. But to ensure that this could be a possibility one day, I have decided my life long goal will be to become a writer for The Daily Show. Sounds simple and realistic enough, right? Wrong. First I have to become a member of the Writers Guild Association, meaning- I have to be employed as a writer over the span of three years AND THEN I have to pay them $2,500 for a membership. After that (or before or during) I have to get an internship with The Daily Show, assuming any are available. I've come to find that they very rarely are. I also need to make some massive connections with some head honchos at Comedy Central, and if you've known me for more than four minutes, you know people are not my strong suit. During my internship I can offer jokes for the show and IF they are chosen consistently AND the public responds to them favorably, I MAY get hired. Should I be concerned that this is the most plausible career path I've ever had?